Drifting

This blog is my catharsis. When I’m feeling particularly stressed out or down I like to write about it. The same thing with being happy and pumped. When I’m emotional I write, and that’s exactly how this blog came into being. I was disappointed in the way dating was being treated in the city where I lived. After giving so many of my girlfriends advice to try and help with their courtship trials I decided to put my knowledge out there, in the hopes that I could help more people than just the ones I knew personally. I sincerely hope I did manage to help in some way.

Now, here I am again, frustrated, and looking to help people out. But this time it’s different. Yes, dating in Rexburg was difficult but it didn’t seem to affect me the same way it did my girlfriends. I could handle Rexburg, at least as well as I needed to. But now, I’m looking at a different yet interestingly similar situation. Again, there is an issue, and again I find I want to help people see a different way to do things, but this time it’s a little more personal. And yet, I cannot seem to find my voice. Well, isn’t that what a blog is for? So, here is my opinion, and I’d like to share it with you.

I am disappointed again. I seem to find myself adrift in an ocean with no life jacket to keep me afloat. I’ve been washed over by waves and always find myself tumbling around and emerging worse for wear as the waves move on. There is little chance to swim, as I seem to always be kicking against the current, so I’m left with the option to either drift and pray I land somewhere favorable or give it all I’ve got and make my own way. (Did I lose anybody in the metaphor? Sorry, let me explain.)

“Possibilities” is a great word isn’t it? It means potential or promise. The idea of something good to come. But sometimes our possibilities don’t turn out the way we intend. When you go into a situation with expectations you have to make a plan for if or when those expectations don’t turn out the way you’d hoped. Like taking a life jacket with you on a boat in case of emergencies. But what happens when we forget our life jacket? 

I left Rexburg Idaho last summer with an expectation that my possibilities would be endless. I had a dream of moving on to something better, something that would move me forward toward the things I wanted to accomplish with little to no effort on my part. I took a very big risk and made a big change hoping it would land me somewhere I needed/wanted to be to make what I wanted happen. But things didn’t go exactly as planned and all I really ended up doing was jumping into a tumultuous ocean without a flotation device, and attempted to swim for it.

So I was disappointed, but in what? Well, partly it was my lack of planning for the worst-case scenario. But that’s not all. A lot of my disappointment is my fault but not all of it. At least I tried to swim. I am disappointed in those who decide to do nothing but drift.

There is a famous LDS writer and speaker by the name of John Bytheway. I’m pretty sure a lot of you have heard of him. He tells a great story about a bunch of people tubing down a big river. The ride is great, calmly floating down the river with no cares, following the path of least resistance, and going wherever the current takes you. But there are a few people who aren’t satisfied with what the river has to offer them. They notice that as the river flows it takes them further down, and the farther down they go the more debris fill the river; sticks, logs and even garbage impede their path. Some people want to leave the river, looking for bigger and better things beyond its banks, but find the current is strong and getting to shore is difficult. Some make it to the bank only to leave one foot in the water and eventually get sucked back in.  But for those who make it out, the experience was completely worth it. They find that although it’s difficult, forging your own path is far more satisfying than drifting ever could be.

Too many of us are drifting. We are floating down a river either we can’t or won’t escape from. Following the path of least resistance because we find we lack the energy to do anything else. I’ve seen good people, people who I used to respect and admire, caught up in the flow of others around them until they found themselves acting like a person they weren’t. Sad to say I have lost some of my respect for these people. Drifting may be easy, but it isn’t worth it. While fighting against the current may be difficult, you do it with the knowledge that you will not be taken somewhere you don’t want to go without a fight.

I am issuing a call. I call to all those who may find themselves floating down a river they do not wish to be in. All those people who have lost sight of who they really wish to be, I ask you to fight the current made by those around you. Swim for the shore for all you’re worth and find some solid ground. Don’t let yourself be drawn down by the path of least resistance. Find some higher ground and stand firm. It may not be easy, but I can guarantee… it’s worth it. 

Faking It

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately. And one that has been in the forefront for some time now has been physical appearance and societies current definition of beauty. I have to say, I’ve never been one of those people to obsess over the way I look. Don’t get me wrong, I care about my physical appearance. I like to look nice and I make an effort most days to put on a good presentation. But I worry that’s all it is, a presentation. I spend most of my prep time these days trying to cover up what I see as my flaws and project a more perfect appearance, one that I don’t possess, to the outside world. I’m trying to be beautiful, but what it really is is fake.

I would like to know when fake became the new beautiful? All I see around me are fake eyelashes, fake tans, fake boobs, fake noses. I spent an hour in front of the mirror the other night trying to look "natural". It seems like if you didn't spend thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours on your body you can't be considered beautiful by today's standards. And I’d like to ask, does anyone else have a problem with this?

All around us are ads, television shows, movies, magazines, and even other women on the street flaunting their perfect appearances. I know I’m not the only one who looks at another woman, who I believe to be more attractive than me, and think, “man, I’d give anything to look like her.” In today’s world there are certain parameters to being beautiful and most women would do anything to fall into the mold. And I am no exception. Plastic surgery has been suggested to fix one of my most disliked physical aspects and I have seriously considered it. 

It seems that all this obsession with my outward appearance has been a recent acquisition. I never used to spend hours primping and preening unless I was going to a dance or on a date. Now it seems like I can’t even go to a Sunday night game night with my friends without looking runway ready. And I know I’m not the only one. Let me walk you through my makeup routine (one step in my process) and see if any of this sounds familiar:

1.  First, foundation is a must, and usually more than one layer is required to do the trick.
2.  Concealer for those stubborn spots that the foundation alone can’t hide.
3.  Powder to give a matted finish and help control shine.
4.   Bronzer just above the jawline, on the bridge of the nose and the temples.
5.  Blush on the apples of the cheeks.
6.  Draw on the black eyeliner with an angle brush.
7.  Curl the eyelashes.
8.  Put on mascara.
9.  Curl the eyelashes again.
10.  Eyeshadow if I’m feeling particularly glamorous.
11.  Lip liner (usually only if I skipped out on the eyeshadow).
12.  And finally, chapstick. (Anticlimactic I know but I do have dry lips)

 Wow, just reading that I’m exhausted. Altogether this process takes about 20 min. Now the big question? Why? Ladies, why do we do this to ourselves? I have been told on multiple occasions by multiple people, some of them being boyfriends, that I look just as beautiful without makeup as I do with. My response every time is, “I don’t believe you.” Why? Because I really don’t. And I don’t think the majority of women will or do ever believe this statement if, and when, presented with it. We don’t believe that we can be beautiful without 20 min. of faking it. And I think this is a crying shame.

Now, I’m not proposing another feminist uprising with boycotting makeup companies, burning our bras and quitting all forms of hair management. But I do admonish us to embrace our natural beauty, because it is there. Instead of hiding under our layers of cosmetics we should let our true selves shine through the fake that surrounds us. Be a beacon for those who think they are nothing without their alterations. The world would be a better place if more women would stand up and say, “I may not be perfect, but I am still beautiful. And better yet, I am real.”

The Road Less Traveled By

I know it's not about dating but this is also an outlet for my personal writings as well. And who knows, some of you may find it enlightening...

Have you ever woken up one morning and wondered what you have been doing with your life? Well in my case it was sittng in bed at 1:30 in the morning and suddenly realizing that my life had taken a turn and I had missed it. Somewhere along the road I had previously been traveling I took an unexpected detour and have landed in a place I had never planned to be in. And I can't say I like the feeling of being somewhere you didn't intend.

I am remembering all the ones that I have left behind, the people who I have forgotten or simply drifted away from. I have come to find out that my life is not composed simply of my experiences. I am inclined to quote one of my favorite musicals, "Wicked", one which I have never actually seen but I know all the songs and I hope one day I will have the priviliege. In the song "For Good" Glinda and Elphaba (the two main characters, best friends turned rivals but still with a soft spot for each other) are parting ways at the end of a hard life for both of them. Elphaba has embraced wickedness after a lifetime of trying to do good and getting nothing but resentment and even cruelty in return. She has accomplished nothing and decides that the time has come to hand over her good intentions to her friend Glinda, who may have some hope of seeing them fulfilled, and giving in to her demise, forever branded as the "Wicked Witch of the West". In the final encounter between these two friends Glinda sings, "I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return." I do believe this is very true. I know that there have been moments in my life when I felt like nothing I did made any difference and that no one would be affected by my decisions, whether I chose right or wrong, or even good and not so good. I have come to realize that this isn't so. 

I have been lost, stuck in a ditch on the side of a road I never thought I was choosing to travel. I have made some not so good decisions and some downright bad ones and all I can say is "I'm sorry". I have held on to grudges for far too long, mistreated some people who were only trying to help me, forgotten some of my best friends, and let myself become someone who I am not. I realize all this now and the reason I am telling this to all the people who may actually take the time to read it is because I would like to apologize. I am truly sorry for the way I have been. My hope is that with a little writer's therapy I can come to be the person I always was (with maybe a few slight improvements) and that I can go back to living life on the right side of the road :) 

I love my friends, those people who have been there for me in some of my darkest hours and pulled me out of some of the deepest holes. I am forever in your debt. Some of you may not even know the impact you have had on my life and some of you know full well. I hope that I have been an influence in yours as well. I will always be here for all of you. Whenever you need me, I am nothing but a phone call away. 

So there it is, a short but hopefully powerful statement. I am finding my way again and I will take it like any journey worth traveling, one step at a time. 

The Breakup

So, I’ve given a lot of advice so far on what to do to get yourself into a relationship. I mean, that is what dating advice is for right? But there is another side to dating. Some might say a darker side. Not every relationship we get into will lead to marriage (we don’t practice polygamy anymore) and so I felt like I needed to do a post on what to do after a relationship ends. Sad to say I’ve had more experience with this particular topic than I cared to, but they say learn from your mistakes and why not educate a few other people while I’m at it?

It’s tough to date. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot of fun too, but it’s also tough. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns that before you know it you’re a pretzel and your man (or woman) has left you to untie yourself. Breakups happen. I wish I could say that every relationship will end in wedded bliss but we’re trying to be realistic here remember? Everyone will have their fair share of failures before they actually find the person they’re meant to spend the rest of their lives with. I’ve talked about what to do when a relationship ends before it begins but when you’re in something more substantial it’s a little more complicated.

Breakups are never easy, so I’m not going to pretend that ending a relationship with someone will be something you can just get over. So many people will be telling you to move on, find someone else, and see the bright side of things. It will turn out to be a blessing in the end. Although this last one may be true, I am a strong believer in the need for a mourning period. Whether they were someone who was really good to you or the world’s biggest jerk, you have every right to mourn the loss. In fact I think it’s really healthy to do so. The people who don’t feel anything after a breakup are either lost or lying to themselves. It’s difficult to end a relationship with someone you’ve been intimately connected to for a significant period of time and I don’t want anyone feeling bad for feeling bad about it.

The trick is to not let the mourning period take over your life. Only you can judge how long you need to get over someone and the only person who can tell you when you should be feeling better is you. But don’t let the despair (or whatever you choose to feel, my response is usually a mixture of that and anger) cripple you so that it’s all you feel. There needs to be a time when you start to feel better, when you can get back to life as usual without thinking of the one you lost. I must admit I struggle with this concept after a breakup. Usually the only thing that can pull me out of my funk is to get into a new relationship. But I don’t recommend this practice because you never know how long you’re going to stay single and rebounds suck. You only need to be the rebound relationship once to know what that feels like and I would never knowingly inflict that on another person.

So, what do we do to help get over the one we lost? One of my foolproof way to help ease the hurt of a breakup; cut off all communication with the breakee. You may say, “but we still want to be friends” and that’s all well and good, but only AFTER you have an acceptable period of time to get over what this person just did to you. I have been there, trying to maintain a friendly relationship with someone who broke up with me and I can tell you, it is nearly impossible. You are still emotionally attached to that person whether you like it or not. And emotional attachment can cause some sticky situations when you’re no longer with someone you try and spend time with. Take my advice, a break up is called that for a reason. It means to break, to separate, and to put some distance between you two. I think it’s admirable to try and maintain a friendship with a former flame, but for your own sake, leave the “hanging out” with your ex alone until you no longer feel romantically inclined to the person.

We all have our own coping mechanisms and I can’t tell you your best way to deal with heartache. I do, however, want to point out some things I think it’s important not to do. Throughout all of my dating experience I have been through several breakups (of course, because I’m currently single and I have dated before) and every time I have found myself asking “why?” Why did it end? Were there problems I couldn’t see? Did I do something wrong? I have come to find that this is possibly the most pointless question I could think to ask. Another question we may choose to ask ourselves instead is, “does the why really matter?” We can ask ourselves why all we want, we can even go so far as to ask our former flame why (PLEASE DON’T!) but we will most likely never get an answer that is going to make us feel better about being alone. Do you really want to know why it didn’t work? Do you really want them to enumerate every flaw in your character that made them decide you weren’t the one? I don’t think you do.

Please, don’t waste time and energy trying to figure out why someone has left you. It isn’t going to help you feel any better or heal any faster. And chances are, there really wasn’t anything wrong with you. I’ve said it before, just because someone has decided they don’t want to be with you doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It just means that person isn’t the one you’re meant to be with. Because trust me, the person you’re meant to end up with will never make you feel like you’re not worth their time.

That is essentially what someone is telling you when they decide to end a relationship with you. When someone breaks up with you it means they no longer felt that the relationship was worth their time and dedication. And honestly, do you really want to waste your time worrying about how someone like that feels about you? I wouldn’t. A break up is hard, but it doesn’t have to be crippling. You can move on and be happy again, and sometimes the only thing it takes is time. And, as cliché as it may sound, you will find someone else. And this time they may just be the one who wont break your heart.

The Power pt. 2

Alright, two posts in one day, but I needed a follow up to my previous post, Power. My desire was to instill a sense of confidence and power in my fellow females, but I have been informed that I may have also encouraged a bit of selfishness and a desire to get one’s own way. This was not my intention so here I hope to prevent any misconceptions by presenting a more balanced view.

My goal throughout this blog, as I have stated before and as I am sure to state again, is to help the women of Rexburg feel better about themselves. I am hoping that so far I have done a pretty good job. What I don’t want is to motivate the women of Rexburg to be overly demanding of the men we associate with. I want us to have a sense of equality. We should always be equal partners with our significant others, and neither member of the relationship should demand more from their partner than what they put in. Compromise is one of the fundamental aspects of any good relationship.

So yes, you can say no to "The Roommate" but maybe next week you can accompany him to see "Green Hornet".

Ladies (and gentlemen), remember that there should be equality in all things. Ladies, we can know that we are powerful creatures, but we also need to be careful with that power and use it with diplomacy. Sometimes it’s also good to say yes. Be discerning. You’ll know when is the right time to say yes and when it’s okay to say no. Trust your instincts and your guy will trust you.

The Power

Ladies, we are a powerful gender. We are smart, beautiful, talented, spiritual, all rolled into one sweet, caring and loving package. But I fear that sometimes we do not appreciate our strength. We all have abilities that, I believe, have been relatively unexplored by many of the women here in Rexburg. I think the majority of us here do not realize the power that we as women possess. And one of the most awesome powers in our possession is the power to say no.

I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it, we have a right to be picky. We have a right to choose for ourselves someone who is going to add happiness to our lives. But when I’ve said this before I’m afraid too many women have overlooked the most important word: “choose”. We all have our agency, the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves. So why are there so many times when we forsake what we want in order to make someone else happy? This is where our power comes into effect. Sometimes ladies, you can say no.

Imagine this, if you will: You have been spending time with a wonderful young man for the last few weeks and have really been enjoying each other’s company. Your first few dates were awesome and they were all activities you both enjoyed doing. The next weekend rolls around and he asks you out again. You ask what the activity is going to be and he tells you he wants to take you to see “The Roommate”. Only one problem, you hate scary movies. So what do you do? How many of us would say, “Awesome! See you at 7”? Be honest, you would wouldn’t you. I think a lot of us would put up with 2 hours of nightmare inducing theater just to spend some time with a guy we liked.

What would happen if you said no? What would this charming, wonderful guy you’ve been dating for the last few weeks do if you told him you hated scary movies and suggested you see something else instead? Would he just immediately write you off as a loser and delete your number from his contacts? I don’t think so. In all honesty, he’d probably be okay with it. Most men are open to the idea of compromise if they really like the girl. And trust me, if he’s spent these last few weeks asking you out, spending time and money on you, chances are he likes you. So what are we so afraid of?

Herein lies the problem. We are neglecting our most awesome power because we are scared of saying no. We are scared that if we say no to “The Roommate” our guy will just move on to the next available girl who does like scary movies and we’ll be out a date for Friday night. I understand the fear, and I’m not saying it isn’t justified, but I can go back to what I’ve been saying all along, if he doesn’t make you happy then he isn’t worth your time. If a guy isn’t willing to change his plans because something makes you uncomfortable then he doesn’t respect you, and if he doesn’t respect you then he isn’t worth your energy.

These guys have it far too easy. Most men in Rexburg don’t have to work and make sacrifices to get a date every weekend. (Before all the men get up in arms, I am not referring to all of you. I know there are good guys in Rexburg and I appreciate you, whoever you are.) The girls here will hand them their numbers on a silver platter with a side of French fries and then we will patiently sit by the phone waiting for him to give up a moment in his busy schedule to give us a call. Shame on us. Where is the power? Where is the respect for ourselves? Where are our standards? For too long we have neglected the strengths we have because we have been too afraid of being alone. I don’t want us to be afraid anymore. I want us all to stand up and be proud of who we are as women in this day and age. We are something pretty special.

Be strong ladies. Stand up for yourselves. Let him know when something makes you unhappy. You have the power to make your life better. And don’t you think you deserve it?

The Loneliness

Again, I begin this post with a confession. I must confess that for a (self proclaimed) dating guru, I spend a lot of my weekends sitting home with nothing to do. I want you to know that I am being perfectly honest when I tell you that I feel the pain of every single Single girl in Rexburg. I am one of them. But I still think I give pretty decent dating advice, hence the blog. But this time I’m gonna share with you all some of the things I really enjoy about living life as a young single adult in Rexburg. And I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Being single can actually be a lot of fun if you do it right.

All of us will have times in our lives when we don’t have a significant other. For some of us those times may be long lasting, and for some we can’t go a week without someone blowing up our phone begging us to date them. For the former (because how many of us are really the latter?) I want to help you realize that a life lived single, for no matter what the length of time, can be just as much fun, if not more, than being with someone.

Whenever I’m lamenting my life lived as a young single adult the person I most likely end up lamenting to is my mom. My mom was a lot like other young women in the church in the fact that she married young and didn’t really get to experience a lot of life as a young single adult. But she is different in the fact that she is a divorcee. My mom had the opportunity not many young women have, of going back and reliving her single days. She was in her late 20’s when she was divorced and she has told me time and again that when she finally embraced life as a single woman the whole world opened up it’s opportunities to her. She got to spend time with her friends and date lots of interesting guys, and she didn’t let being in a relationship bother her like so many other women her age. My mom was happy being single and she has told me she wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I’ve already mentioned in this blog how I wish the Rexburg world would stop obsessing over whether or not someone is married or in a relationship. I even took my relationship status off of Facebook because I didn’t want the stress of staring at the “single” every time I opened my page. It was like a load had been lifted off my shoulders and now I don’t even worry about it. I like being single. I like living my life only having to worry about me. I have good friends, female and male. I get good grades (for the most part). I attend my church services and make every effort I can to fulfill my calling. I have a loving family who are supportive of their daughter and have never once asked me why I’m not married yet. And when I do get asked that question I don’t feel compelled to give excuses or apologize for my lack of commitment. I politely tell the asker that I will get married in the Lord’s time, and for the time being I am enjoying my life as a young single adult.

Now understand, I am not knocking marriage. I am a firm believer in the institution, both legally and religiously, of marriage. I know that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and in my own due time I will enter into that covenant. But I fully intend to have some fun in the meantime!

This is how our lives should be. At this point in our existence the world is an open playground. There are so many opportunities open to us that would be null and void if we weren’t single. I can pick up and drive to Utah for a weekend without asking anyone’s permission. In fact I don’t really even have to tell anyone (well, I would tell my roomies but they wouldn’t tell me I couldn’t go). I can go study cooking in Italy for a semester and the only thing I have to worry about is how I’m going to pay for it. I am free, and that is exactly how we should see it.

Being single is not a trial in life meant to tie you down and make you miserable. Being single is not something we just need to grin and bear until we finally get that ring on our finger. I believe that being young and single is a blessing and something that should be savored, not endured. We should be thanking our Father in Heaven for giving us this time in our lives to get to know ourselves and who we are before we give our lives to another for eternity. I intend to take full advantage of it.

So the next time someone asks, “Hey, why aren’t you married yet?” You can respond with, “I like being young and single and so far no ones offered anything better.”

The Unattainable

Sorry I’ve had such a long absence. I will do my best not to make a habit of it, but this post has been trying to write. It's been hard to write about this topic because I feel I have problems with it myself. But I am open to a new way of thinking, and I hope you will be to.

There are no perfect humans. It’s a sad but true fact. The only perfect being to have walked this earth was Christ and, as much as we may wish it could be so, none of us can actually date him.

Ladies, I hope that by now you are feeling a little more lifted up than usual from reading this blog. My goal has been to make you all feel like the queens and princess you really are and to help you demand the kind of respect you deserve from the men that you date. I think we should all have an expectation to be treated well and we deserve a man who is going to live up to our expectations, but I’m afraid of nurturing the other end of the spectrum. What happens when women expect too much?

One of my favorite sayings is “shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you’ll still land among the stars.” I believe in setting sometimes-unattainable goals. When I was a little girl I wanted to be the first woman president, or a dolphin trainer at SeaWorld, or a world famous pop star. The sky was the limit. But I also believe that there are some things in which seeking the unattainable is setting yourself up for misery. Dating is one of those things.

I worry that we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. I worry when we make these lists of the characteristics that we want in our “perfect” man (not referring to the list I asked you to make earlier ladies, that’s a good list). I worry that we are so focused on finding someone “perfect” that we overlook a lot of really wonderful guys. If you have the time, I’d love for you to read this note written by a friend of mine. I think it highlights very well what I’m trying to say, only from a guy’s point of view (disclaimer: this note contains some questionable language. If you’re easily offended then I recommend not reading it.) http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=31441371986

If you read the note you’ll see that there are so many guys out there who feel like they are getting the short end of the stick in their dating lives too. I would like to take a quote from the note I referenced earlier to perhaps shed some light on how some guys feel about what I call the Nice Guy Complex, “Many of them [women] claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.”

How many of you have ever experienced this particular scenario? Show of hands? Probably a lot of you. I know I have had my fair share of “nice guys”, those guys who you absolutely adore but you just can’t see things working out romantically. It’s true, sometimes there just isn’t a spark, I understand that completely. But I also believe there is a whole range of wonderful guys out there who may be getting overlooked. There are guys out there who may not, at first glance, appear “perfect” but if you can take the time to look past the surface and see many of these guys for what they really are you may come to find that perfection isn’t exactly what you thought it was.

What I want you to get out of this ladies is hopefully a new appreciation for the “nice guy” standing right in front of you, or sitting right across from you, or knocking on your door begging to be let in. I know that if we can open our minds to a new way of thinking we may just find ourselves unexplainably happy with the guy we never noticed before. I love this note, so I’m going to quote it one last time, “There are definitely many girls who grow out of [The Nice Guy] train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted.” Ladies, this should be us! Hopefully, someday it will be. And hopefully it’ll be someday soon.

The Misconception

Okay, I have a confession to make. Well, maybe more of a statement. For the longest time I believed that the majority of the dating problem here in Rexburg was a problem with the guys. I thought that if these guys would just shape up and start doing their jobs I would have a date every weekend like I should. I have now discovered that this is not necessarily the case. I’m not saying that the guys don’t have some shaping up to do, but I also don’t think the blame for our romantic issues can lie solely with the male population.

Ladies, I think sometimes these men are scared of us. I don’t mean horror movie scared, like we need to lay off the fake blood during our morning beauty routines, but I do think, sometimes, men are scared of what we represent. They don’t call us “BYU-I do” for nothing and how many of you can honestly tell me that you aren’t here hoping to meet that special someone to spend the rest of you life with. Now, before you turn off your computer in a blind rage and track me down to put popcorn in my doorframe, I know that the majority of us are ACTUALLY up here to get an education. For most of us, meeting a man is just a happy side effect of the BYU-I experience, but for some of us, we are on the prowl. Deny it if you will, but deep down you know I’m right.

This particular phenomenon is called “desperation” and it is responsible for 9 out of 10 break-ups in the dating world (disclaimer: no occurrences of math in this blog should ever be considered accurate, as I am taking my second shot at trying to pass the class). Sometimes I think we are so focused on finding that “one” that we go into every new relationship expecting a ring on our finger. From my personal experience, this is one of the most foolproof ways to scare off a guy we’re interested in. Now some of you may think, “sure, I want to get married, but I don’t make that overtly obvious to every man I date.” Trust me girls, men are a lot more observant than we give them credit for. He knows that the minute he walks through that door to take you on your first date you’re sizing him up to walk down the isle.

We all want to get married. Heck, I want to get married, but I have firmly and completely put that particular aspect in the Lord’s hand and told him, “Have at it!” I don’t want to worry about it anymore, and I think you shouldn’t either. For the majority of us, we will get married someday. For some of us, that is not our calling in this life, but stressing about it, scheming about it, and looking at every man who walks in the door like he could be “The One” isn’t going to get us any closer to that lofty goal. Have you ever heard that when you stop looking is when you finally find what you were looking for? It’s the same concept that works for thinking of something you forgot, you just have to stop thinking about it and it will come to you. It also works in dating. When you stop looking for someone to make all your dreams come true and actually start enjoying life as a young single adult is when that someone may just find you. There is nothing more attractive than a girl who doesn’t care, and that’s the truth.

Now, for all my guy readers out there (and I do hope you’re out there), this is where the misconception comes in for you. Don’t you go into every relationship thinking the girl just wants to drag you kicking and screaming to the temple. Yes, we may want to get married but most of us are smart enough to let a relationship take it’s natural course and not try to rush the process (it’s how it works ladies). Or you could be just like us, trying to slip a ring on that left hand as fast as humanly possible. But this is what I’m talking about. Follow the natural dating flow. The relationship will take it’s own course if you just sit back and let it. Now whether that natural process takes 2 months or 10, enjoy your dating experience and don’t automatically think that just because you enjoy each other’s company it means you’re meant to spend time and all eternity with her.

This goes for both sides of the gender spectrum, and this is what I’d really like for you to get out of this post. Take your time! Ease into things, be patient, and most of all, get to know each other before you make the commitment of eternity. Divorce rates are on the rise, even in temple marriages, I’m sad to say. I wish this wasn’t true. I wish I could say that we’ll all live happily ever after if we’re sealed together for time and all eternity in the house of the Lord, but this isn’t always the case. Don’t you want to take every precaution to ensure you get your happy ending? So be patient, let it happen how it will, and you can feel confident that when you finally meet the person your meant to be with, you’ve made the right choice.

The Stress

Here is the situation: A cute guy in your New Testament class (FHE group, choir class, Sunday School lesson, etc.) asks for your number and tells you he’d like to take you out this weekend (I know, it’s rare, but it actually does happen sometimes, promise). He calls and you arrange to go see a movie and to get some hot chocolate and a cupcake afterwards. It’s a great night and when you come home your roommates ask, “How’d it go?” So, what do you say?

What do you say? Be honest with yourselves, how many of you will start gushing at how wonderful it was and how you’re going to spend the rest of your lives together? Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but how many of you would expect something more to happen? I think I’m safe in assuming that it’s most of us. So what happens when it doesn’t? What do we do when we get nothing but a first date?

Okay a lot of questions, but hopefully a lot of thinking was spawned from those questions. When we have a really great first date with someone we usually expect that great first date to become a great second date, and then to move on to “dating” and hopefully from there we’d be getting into a relationship… so on and so forth. But sometimes things just stop. Sometimes you don’t get that great second date. So what do we do? This is such a hard question to answer, but I’ll do my best. What we should do is chalk it up to experience and move on, but I know it’s not that easy. Our first inclination is to start dissecting that great first date trying to find the one mistake, slip-up, or misspoken word that made him decide he didn’t like us. Okay, while you’re at it, why don’t you stick a needle in your eye and chew on some glass. This is self-sabotage in its worst form ladies, not to mention self-inflicted torture. In all honestly, the fact that he isn’t breaking down your door begging for a second date probably has nothing to do with you.

Sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes someone just isn’t our type, and it can be for so many reasons that trying to pinpoint one is like trying to see a shooting star at 2:00 in the afternoon. So ladies, I want this to be your new mantra (I warned you I’d be coming out with a few of these), “It’s not my fault. It has nothing to do with me.” The truth is, whether or not a guy asks you out is completely out of your control. Yes, you can look your best and put out your best flirtatious moves but the decision ultimately lies with the guy, and this is exactly how it should be! I’m sure you’ve all heard it before, but the guy is supposed to be the pursuer, he is supposed to chase YOU! Not the other way around.

Okay, so what does this all mean? Am I saying that we need to put on our prettiest dresses and our reddest lipstick and just sit around hoping someone will smell the waft of my perfume and come sweep me off my feet? Well, yes and no. I do think that we should put our best selves out there and let the guys do the choosing, but I don’t believe that we should be passive about it. Nothing says that you can’t go out looking and nothing says that you have to wait for the guy to come to you. Here’s an example that recently happened to a friend I think highlights my point:
My friend was at a dance this last week and started chatting it up with a really cute guy who she was very interested in. At the end of the dance she was surprised to see that he had added her on Facebook. She began talking to him over chat and he gave her his phone number and told her to text him sometime and they could hang out. My friend, very politely, told him that she couldn’t accept his number but that he could have hers and if he wanted to do something with her he could call her anytime.

This is a perfect example, and from this I make my point. We are beautiful, sweet, wonderful young women who are going to be very desirable to a number of attractive young men. We don’t need to freak out and stress every time one of the millions of the guys in this world decides we’re not the one for him. What I hope you’ll do instead is repeat your mantra: “It’s not my fault. It has nothing to do with me.” Take a deep breath and remind yourself that somewhere out there is the man of your dreams and he is looking for you just as hard as you are searching for him. And trust me, he will find you, you just have to be patient and let him track you down.

The Issue

There is a dating issue facing the young, single, female population of Rexburg Idaho. I think we can all agree on that. But I don't think we can all agree on what exactly that issue is. Some of you may believe our problem is a lack of men. It’s true that we do have a 3-1 ratio of girls to guys, and yes that can be a problem. But I don’t believe it’s the only problem. Here I pose, for your consideration, what I believe plagues the local female population. In my opinion, we are all cursed with a lack of pickiness. Now, bear with me, some of you may be saying right now “I am picky, I’m so picky that I don’t think I’ll ever find a guy good enough for me!” Well, that’s not exactly what I’m talking about. Yes, we can be picky. We all want a good looking, return missionary, priesthood holder with a temple recommend, but that’s not the pickiness I’m referring too. I’m referring to being picky about the way our guys treat us.

How many of you have dated a guy who looked so perfect on paper it seemed as if you were made for each other, only to find that once you actually spent time interacting with one another he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be? I know I have. Talk about a rude awakening. My fear is that sometimes we are so worried about those few little details that we believe make a man a “good one” that we overlook some of the key characteristics that really define his character. Yes, it is good to date the RM, yes we all want a man who is worthy to take us to the temple, but the black nametag does not a good man make. What really matters, ladies, is the way a man makes you feel when you’re in his presence. In this matter, I believe we have not yet begun to be picky.

Here is the part of the blog where I give you homework. I know, I know, you’re busy enough as it is, but if you can take a few moments out of your insanely busy day I want you to make a list for me. I want you to list all the characteristics you need in a man. Not the ones you want (I want someone who’s 6’ 2” with green eyes and a great smile) no, but the ones you need, like I need a man who will respect me, understand me, be honest with me, etc. (You can make the list of wants too but the needs is what we’re going to be focusing on). This is the list that you will compare every potential suitor too from now on, so keep good track of it, and add to it when you find someone who possesses a characteristic you didn’t already have. If a guy comes a-calling and he doesn’t fit the specifications of your list then you, my dear girl, have every right to kick him to the curb and I hope you do just that. No one who is not giving you what you need should ever make the cut even to dating, let alone boyfriend, so please don’t let it get that far. At the first sign that he’s not going to be everything you need I want you to run, not walk, but run, away.

The key here is to find someone who makes you happy, because if you’re not happy then you’re not doing it right. So take a good look at what you need and then take a good look at what you’ve been settling for and tell me whether or not they add up. I have a feeling that in most of your cases, they don’t. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we willing to settle down with a guy who doesn’t give us what we need? I believe it’s because, for the most part, we think it’s the best we’re going to get. This is not true! Who cares if you’ve been single for 3 years, who cares if there’s a 3-1 ratio, who cares if you’re 24 and haven’t found someone to spend the rest of your life with? If he’s not making you happy, if he doesn’t give you what you need, then he’s not worth your time. Period. Our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. Imagine what he would say to you if you told him you kept dating the guy who forgot your birthday and lied to you about where he was last night because you thought you wouldn’t find anyone better. Keep that in mind next time you start making excuses for why he doesn’t treat you right.

I know it’s hard. I know we all reach a point where we want to throw our hands in the air and shout “IGIVE UP!” because we don’t think it’s worth it anymore, but trust me, it is. There will be someone who will treat you like the queen you are and he will make you look back on all those other sub-standard guys and go “what was I thinking staying with that guy?” Mr. Right will come, you just have to have faith. And it will be so much easier for Mr. Right to snag you if you don’t have Mr. Wrong hanging on your arm. So be picky ladies. Hold your guys to a higher standard and you may find that they actually start living up to that standard. And if they don’t, well, you know what to do.

The Beginning

To the women of Rexburg Idaho, this is for you. Well, I guess I should be a little more specific. This is for those women in Rexburg who are single and frustrated about it. My hopes for this blog are first: to provide a few tips and tricks I have picked up over the years from both trusted sources and personal experience that should help make dating a little easier and, hopefully, more fun up here in the frozen north, and second: I would love to be able to help raise the general self-esteem and the self-image of each woman (or man, you are welcome to read too) who reads this blog. This will be achieved through a generous helping of compliments from me and mantras for you so you can come to realize what a stunning and wonderful creature you really are. Both of these aims are designed to help the women of Rexburg sort through the seemingly never ending sea of unworthy men in order to find that one "diamond in the rough" who is going to treat you, you marvelous being you, exactly the way a true daughter of God more precious than rubies is meant to be treated.

It’s true ladies, and I know it may sound cliché, but you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince charming (I promise I will do my best to stay away from all the clichés our mothers used to tell us to make us feel better, but that one just fit too well). The key though, is to kiss the frogs, realize they are frogs and be able to move on to your next potential prince. But too many girls, I fear, are kissing these frogs and they find themselves so happy to actually be having some lip-lock time with a member of the opposite sex that they decide this frog could be “the one” and spend the next few weeks (or longer!) wasting precious time, energy, and effort on someone who is never going to be anything more than a frog. Ladies, please, never sell yourselves this short! The mentality that any guy who has a pretty face, an active pair of lips, hands, feet, or any combination of the above is worthy of all the undying devotion and dedication you have to offer is a mentality that needs to be adjusted.

I know how it feels, that beginning of attraction when everything seems fresh and wonderful, when you think your significant other can do no wrong, he is nothing but perfection in your eyes. We’ve all been there, when life has never felt so good. But then, something changes, he’s not the same as when you first started dating. Maybe he’s stopped coming by with as much frequency, or maybe the compliments have become less complimenting. But you remember, he used to be so good, he used to be perfect. But perfection or not, for some reason, now he’s not treating you like the princess you really are anymore. Now you’re frustrated and you don’t know what to do. He still drops by every once in a while, and he tells me my outfit looks good sometimes, and he’s really very cute, and (here’s the kicker, the thing 99% of girls tell themselves to talk themselves in to staying in a crappy relationship) how am I going to find anyone else?

Well, ladies, I am here to tell you, you gorgeous creature you, that any man who does not treat you like the princess you were born to be is never going to be the man who will make you happy for the rest of eternity. I mean, isn’t that what we’re all striving for? Eternal happiness? I offer this scenario for your contemplation: Mr. “perfect for the first day and a half” decides to stick around for the next few weeks of your life. He’s sitting on your couch, eating the food that you made him and watching the only action movie he could find among your vast collection of chick-flicks, and you are looking at him with a newfound sense of self-awareness. Is this really the man I can see raising my children, is this the man I can see building worlds by my side, is this really what I want for the rest of forever, someone who comes around occasionally and treats me well some of the time? I honestly hope your answer is no. Otherwise, we have a lot of work to do.

Stick with me girls, and maybe together we can find the man we’ve been waiting for since we first laid eyes on that big white building up the hill. If you’ll read with an open mind, I will try to write the things that will speak to who you really are and what you really want out of your dating experience. If we both do things right this may just turn out to be exactly what you really needed.