So, I’ve given a lot of advice so far on what to do to get yourself into a relationship. I mean, that is what dating advice is for right? But there is another side to dating. Some might say a darker side. Not every relationship we get into will lead to marriage (we don’t practice polygamy anymore) and so I felt like I needed to do a post on what to do after a relationship ends. Sad to say I’ve had more experience with this particular topic than I cared to, but they say learn from your mistakes and why not educate a few other people while I’m at it?
It’s tough to date. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot of fun too, but it’s also tough. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns that before you know it you’re a pretzel and your man (or woman) has left you to untie yourself. Breakups happen. I wish I could say that every relationship will end in wedded bliss but we’re trying to be realistic here remember? Everyone will have their fair share of failures before they actually find the person they’re meant to spend the rest of their lives with. I’ve talked about what to do when a relationship ends before it begins but when you’re in something more substantial it’s a little more complicated.
Breakups are never easy, so I’m not going to pretend that ending a relationship with someone will be something you can just get over. So many people will be telling you to move on, find someone else, and see the bright side of things. It will turn out to be a blessing in the end. Although this last one may be true, I am a strong believer in the need for a mourning period. Whether they were someone who was really good to you or the world’s biggest jerk, you have every right to mourn the loss. In fact I think it’s really healthy to do so. The people who don’t feel anything after a breakup are either lost or lying to themselves. It’s difficult to end a relationship with someone you’ve been intimately connected to for a significant period of time and I don’t want anyone feeling bad for feeling bad about it.
The trick is to not let the mourning period take over your life. Only you can judge how long you need to get over someone and the only person who can tell you when you should be feeling better is you. But don’t let the despair (or whatever you choose to feel, my response is usually a mixture of that and anger) cripple you so that it’s all you feel. There needs to be a time when you start to feel better, when you can get back to life as usual without thinking of the one you lost. I must admit I struggle with this concept after a breakup. Usually the only thing that can pull me out of my funk is to get into a new relationship. But I don’t recommend this practice because you never know how long you’re going to stay single and rebounds suck. You only need to be the rebound relationship once to know what that feels like and I would never knowingly inflict that on another person.
So, what do we do to help get over the one we lost? One of my foolproof way to help ease the hurt of a breakup; cut off all communication with the breakee. You may say, “but we still want to be friends” and that’s all well and good, but only AFTER you have an acceptable period of time to get over what this person just did to you. I have been there, trying to maintain a friendly relationship with someone who broke up with me and I can tell you, it is nearly impossible. You are still emotionally attached to that person whether you like it or not. And emotional attachment can cause some sticky situations when you’re no longer with someone you try and spend time with. Take my advice, a break up is called that for a reason. It means to break, to separate, and to put some distance between you two. I think it’s admirable to try and maintain a friendship with a former flame, but for your own sake, leave the “hanging out” with your ex alone until you no longer feel romantically inclined to the person.
We all have our own coping mechanisms and I can’t tell you your best way to deal with heartache. I do, however, want to point out some things I think it’s important not to do. Throughout all of my dating experience I have been through several breakups (of course, because I’m currently single and I have dated before) and every time I have found myself asking “why?” Why did it end? Were there problems I couldn’t see? Did I do something wrong? I have come to find that this is possibly the most pointless question I could think to ask. Another question we may choose to ask ourselves instead is, “does the why really matter?” We can ask ourselves why all we want, we can even go so far as to ask our former flame why (PLEASE DON’T!) but we will most likely never get an answer that is going to make us feel better about being alone. Do you really want to know why it didn’t work? Do you really want them to enumerate every flaw in your character that made them decide you weren’t the one? I don’t think you do.
Please, don’t waste time and energy trying to figure out why someone has left you. It isn’t going to help you feel any better or heal any faster. And chances are, there really wasn’t anything wrong with you. I’ve said it before, just because someone has decided they don’t want to be with you doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It just means that person isn’t the one you’re meant to be with. Because trust me, the person you’re meant to end up with will never make you feel like you’re not worth their time.
That is essentially what someone is telling you when they decide to end a relationship with you. When someone breaks up with you it means they no longer felt that the relationship was worth their time and dedication. And honestly, do you really want to waste your time worrying about how someone like that feels about you? I wouldn’t. A break up is hard, but it doesn’t have to be crippling. You can move on and be happy again, and sometimes the only thing it takes is time. And, as cliché as it may sound, you will find someone else. And this time they may just be the one who wont break your heart.
