The Power pt. 2

Alright, two posts in one day, but I needed a follow up to my previous post, Power. My desire was to instill a sense of confidence and power in my fellow females, but I have been informed that I may have also encouraged a bit of selfishness and a desire to get one’s own way. This was not my intention so here I hope to prevent any misconceptions by presenting a more balanced view.

My goal throughout this blog, as I have stated before and as I am sure to state again, is to help the women of Rexburg feel better about themselves. I am hoping that so far I have done a pretty good job. What I don’t want is to motivate the women of Rexburg to be overly demanding of the men we associate with. I want us to have a sense of equality. We should always be equal partners with our significant others, and neither member of the relationship should demand more from their partner than what they put in. Compromise is one of the fundamental aspects of any good relationship.

So yes, you can say no to "The Roommate" but maybe next week you can accompany him to see "Green Hornet".

Ladies (and gentlemen), remember that there should be equality in all things. Ladies, we can know that we are powerful creatures, but we also need to be careful with that power and use it with diplomacy. Sometimes it’s also good to say yes. Be discerning. You’ll know when is the right time to say yes and when it’s okay to say no. Trust your instincts and your guy will trust you.

The Power

Ladies, we are a powerful gender. We are smart, beautiful, talented, spiritual, all rolled into one sweet, caring and loving package. But I fear that sometimes we do not appreciate our strength. We all have abilities that, I believe, have been relatively unexplored by many of the women here in Rexburg. I think the majority of us here do not realize the power that we as women possess. And one of the most awesome powers in our possession is the power to say no.

I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it, we have a right to be picky. We have a right to choose for ourselves someone who is going to add happiness to our lives. But when I’ve said this before I’m afraid too many women have overlooked the most important word: “choose”. We all have our agency, the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves. So why are there so many times when we forsake what we want in order to make someone else happy? This is where our power comes into effect. Sometimes ladies, you can say no.

Imagine this, if you will: You have been spending time with a wonderful young man for the last few weeks and have really been enjoying each other’s company. Your first few dates were awesome and they were all activities you both enjoyed doing. The next weekend rolls around and he asks you out again. You ask what the activity is going to be and he tells you he wants to take you to see “The Roommate”. Only one problem, you hate scary movies. So what do you do? How many of us would say, “Awesome! See you at 7”? Be honest, you would wouldn’t you. I think a lot of us would put up with 2 hours of nightmare inducing theater just to spend some time with a guy we liked.

What would happen if you said no? What would this charming, wonderful guy you’ve been dating for the last few weeks do if you told him you hated scary movies and suggested you see something else instead? Would he just immediately write you off as a loser and delete your number from his contacts? I don’t think so. In all honesty, he’d probably be okay with it. Most men are open to the idea of compromise if they really like the girl. And trust me, if he’s spent these last few weeks asking you out, spending time and money on you, chances are he likes you. So what are we so afraid of?

Herein lies the problem. We are neglecting our most awesome power because we are scared of saying no. We are scared that if we say no to “The Roommate” our guy will just move on to the next available girl who does like scary movies and we’ll be out a date for Friday night. I understand the fear, and I’m not saying it isn’t justified, but I can go back to what I’ve been saying all along, if he doesn’t make you happy then he isn’t worth your time. If a guy isn’t willing to change his plans because something makes you uncomfortable then he doesn’t respect you, and if he doesn’t respect you then he isn’t worth your energy.

These guys have it far too easy. Most men in Rexburg don’t have to work and make sacrifices to get a date every weekend. (Before all the men get up in arms, I am not referring to all of you. I know there are good guys in Rexburg and I appreciate you, whoever you are.) The girls here will hand them their numbers on a silver platter with a side of French fries and then we will patiently sit by the phone waiting for him to give up a moment in his busy schedule to give us a call. Shame on us. Where is the power? Where is the respect for ourselves? Where are our standards? For too long we have neglected the strengths we have because we have been too afraid of being alone. I don’t want us to be afraid anymore. I want us all to stand up and be proud of who we are as women in this day and age. We are something pretty special.

Be strong ladies. Stand up for yourselves. Let him know when something makes you unhappy. You have the power to make your life better. And don’t you think you deserve it?

The Loneliness

Again, I begin this post with a confession. I must confess that for a (self proclaimed) dating guru, I spend a lot of my weekends sitting home with nothing to do. I want you to know that I am being perfectly honest when I tell you that I feel the pain of every single Single girl in Rexburg. I am one of them. But I still think I give pretty decent dating advice, hence the blog. But this time I’m gonna share with you all some of the things I really enjoy about living life as a young single adult in Rexburg. And I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Being single can actually be a lot of fun if you do it right.

All of us will have times in our lives when we don’t have a significant other. For some of us those times may be long lasting, and for some we can’t go a week without someone blowing up our phone begging us to date them. For the former (because how many of us are really the latter?) I want to help you realize that a life lived single, for no matter what the length of time, can be just as much fun, if not more, than being with someone.

Whenever I’m lamenting my life lived as a young single adult the person I most likely end up lamenting to is my mom. My mom was a lot like other young women in the church in the fact that she married young and didn’t really get to experience a lot of life as a young single adult. But she is different in the fact that she is a divorcee. My mom had the opportunity not many young women have, of going back and reliving her single days. She was in her late 20’s when she was divorced and she has told me time and again that when she finally embraced life as a single woman the whole world opened up it’s opportunities to her. She got to spend time with her friends and date lots of interesting guys, and she didn’t let being in a relationship bother her like so many other women her age. My mom was happy being single and she has told me she wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I’ve already mentioned in this blog how I wish the Rexburg world would stop obsessing over whether or not someone is married or in a relationship. I even took my relationship status off of Facebook because I didn’t want the stress of staring at the “single” every time I opened my page. It was like a load had been lifted off my shoulders and now I don’t even worry about it. I like being single. I like living my life only having to worry about me. I have good friends, female and male. I get good grades (for the most part). I attend my church services and make every effort I can to fulfill my calling. I have a loving family who are supportive of their daughter and have never once asked me why I’m not married yet. And when I do get asked that question I don’t feel compelled to give excuses or apologize for my lack of commitment. I politely tell the asker that I will get married in the Lord’s time, and for the time being I am enjoying my life as a young single adult.

Now understand, I am not knocking marriage. I am a firm believer in the institution, both legally and religiously, of marriage. I know that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and in my own due time I will enter into that covenant. But I fully intend to have some fun in the meantime!

This is how our lives should be. At this point in our existence the world is an open playground. There are so many opportunities open to us that would be null and void if we weren’t single. I can pick up and drive to Utah for a weekend without asking anyone’s permission. In fact I don’t really even have to tell anyone (well, I would tell my roomies but they wouldn’t tell me I couldn’t go). I can go study cooking in Italy for a semester and the only thing I have to worry about is how I’m going to pay for it. I am free, and that is exactly how we should see it.

Being single is not a trial in life meant to tie you down and make you miserable. Being single is not something we just need to grin and bear until we finally get that ring on our finger. I believe that being young and single is a blessing and something that should be savored, not endured. We should be thanking our Father in Heaven for giving us this time in our lives to get to know ourselves and who we are before we give our lives to another for eternity. I intend to take full advantage of it.

So the next time someone asks, “Hey, why aren’t you married yet?” You can respond with, “I like being young and single and so far no ones offered anything better.”

The Unattainable

Sorry I’ve had such a long absence. I will do my best not to make a habit of it, but this post has been trying to write. It's been hard to write about this topic because I feel I have problems with it myself. But I am open to a new way of thinking, and I hope you will be to.

There are no perfect humans. It’s a sad but true fact. The only perfect being to have walked this earth was Christ and, as much as we may wish it could be so, none of us can actually date him.

Ladies, I hope that by now you are feeling a little more lifted up than usual from reading this blog. My goal has been to make you all feel like the queens and princess you really are and to help you demand the kind of respect you deserve from the men that you date. I think we should all have an expectation to be treated well and we deserve a man who is going to live up to our expectations, but I’m afraid of nurturing the other end of the spectrum. What happens when women expect too much?

One of my favorite sayings is “shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you’ll still land among the stars.” I believe in setting sometimes-unattainable goals. When I was a little girl I wanted to be the first woman president, or a dolphin trainer at SeaWorld, or a world famous pop star. The sky was the limit. But I also believe that there are some things in which seeking the unattainable is setting yourself up for misery. Dating is one of those things.

I worry that we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. I worry when we make these lists of the characteristics that we want in our “perfect” man (not referring to the list I asked you to make earlier ladies, that’s a good list). I worry that we are so focused on finding someone “perfect” that we overlook a lot of really wonderful guys. If you have the time, I’d love for you to read this note written by a friend of mine. I think it highlights very well what I’m trying to say, only from a guy’s point of view (disclaimer: this note contains some questionable language. If you’re easily offended then I recommend not reading it.) http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=31441371986

If you read the note you’ll see that there are so many guys out there who feel like they are getting the short end of the stick in their dating lives too. I would like to take a quote from the note I referenced earlier to perhaps shed some light on how some guys feel about what I call the Nice Guy Complex, “Many of them [women] claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.”

How many of you have ever experienced this particular scenario? Show of hands? Probably a lot of you. I know I have had my fair share of “nice guys”, those guys who you absolutely adore but you just can’t see things working out romantically. It’s true, sometimes there just isn’t a spark, I understand that completely. But I also believe there is a whole range of wonderful guys out there who may be getting overlooked. There are guys out there who may not, at first glance, appear “perfect” but if you can take the time to look past the surface and see many of these guys for what they really are you may come to find that perfection isn’t exactly what you thought it was.

What I want you to get out of this ladies is hopefully a new appreciation for the “nice guy” standing right in front of you, or sitting right across from you, or knocking on your door begging to be let in. I know that if we can open our minds to a new way of thinking we may just find ourselves unexplainably happy with the guy we never noticed before. I love this note, so I’m going to quote it one last time, “There are definitely many girls who grow out of [The Nice Guy] train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted.” Ladies, this should be us! Hopefully, someday it will be. And hopefully it’ll be someday soon.