Faking It

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately. And one that has been in the forefront for some time now has been physical appearance and societies current definition of beauty. I have to say, I’ve never been one of those people to obsess over the way I look. Don’t get me wrong, I care about my physical appearance. I like to look nice and I make an effort most days to put on a good presentation. But I worry that’s all it is, a presentation. I spend most of my prep time these days trying to cover up what I see as my flaws and project a more perfect appearance, one that I don’t possess, to the outside world. I’m trying to be beautiful, but what it really is is fake.

I would like to know when fake became the new beautiful? All I see around me are fake eyelashes, fake tans, fake boobs, fake noses. I spent an hour in front of the mirror the other night trying to look "natural". It seems like if you didn't spend thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours on your body you can't be considered beautiful by today's standards. And I’d like to ask, does anyone else have a problem with this?

All around us are ads, television shows, movies, magazines, and even other women on the street flaunting their perfect appearances. I know I’m not the only one who looks at another woman, who I believe to be more attractive than me, and think, “man, I’d give anything to look like her.” In today’s world there are certain parameters to being beautiful and most women would do anything to fall into the mold. And I am no exception. Plastic surgery has been suggested to fix one of my most disliked physical aspects and I have seriously considered it. 

It seems that all this obsession with my outward appearance has been a recent acquisition. I never used to spend hours primping and preening unless I was going to a dance or on a date. Now it seems like I can’t even go to a Sunday night game night with my friends without looking runway ready. And I know I’m not the only one. Let me walk you through my makeup routine (one step in my process) and see if any of this sounds familiar:

1.  First, foundation is a must, and usually more than one layer is required to do the trick.
2.  Concealer for those stubborn spots that the foundation alone can’t hide.
3.  Powder to give a matted finish and help control shine.
4.   Bronzer just above the jawline, on the bridge of the nose and the temples.
5.  Blush on the apples of the cheeks.
6.  Draw on the black eyeliner with an angle brush.
7.  Curl the eyelashes.
8.  Put on mascara.
9.  Curl the eyelashes again.
10.  Eyeshadow if I’m feeling particularly glamorous.
11.  Lip liner (usually only if I skipped out on the eyeshadow).
12.  And finally, chapstick. (Anticlimactic I know but I do have dry lips)

 Wow, just reading that I’m exhausted. Altogether this process takes about 20 min. Now the big question? Why? Ladies, why do we do this to ourselves? I have been told on multiple occasions by multiple people, some of them being boyfriends, that I look just as beautiful without makeup as I do with. My response every time is, “I don’t believe you.” Why? Because I really don’t. And I don’t think the majority of women will or do ever believe this statement if, and when, presented with it. We don’t believe that we can be beautiful without 20 min. of faking it. And I think this is a crying shame.

Now, I’m not proposing another feminist uprising with boycotting makeup companies, burning our bras and quitting all forms of hair management. But I do admonish us to embrace our natural beauty, because it is there. Instead of hiding under our layers of cosmetics we should let our true selves shine through the fake that surrounds us. Be a beacon for those who think they are nothing without their alterations. The world would be a better place if more women would stand up and say, “I may not be perfect, but I am still beautiful. And better yet, I am real.”

The Road Less Traveled By

I know it's not about dating but this is also an outlet for my personal writings as well. And who knows, some of you may find it enlightening...

Have you ever woken up one morning and wondered what you have been doing with your life? Well in my case it was sittng in bed at 1:30 in the morning and suddenly realizing that my life had taken a turn and I had missed it. Somewhere along the road I had previously been traveling I took an unexpected detour and have landed in a place I had never planned to be in. And I can't say I like the feeling of being somewhere you didn't intend.

I am remembering all the ones that I have left behind, the people who I have forgotten or simply drifted away from. I have come to find out that my life is not composed simply of my experiences. I am inclined to quote one of my favorite musicals, "Wicked", one which I have never actually seen but I know all the songs and I hope one day I will have the priviliege. In the song "For Good" Glinda and Elphaba (the two main characters, best friends turned rivals but still with a soft spot for each other) are parting ways at the end of a hard life for both of them. Elphaba has embraced wickedness after a lifetime of trying to do good and getting nothing but resentment and even cruelty in return. She has accomplished nothing and decides that the time has come to hand over her good intentions to her friend Glinda, who may have some hope of seeing them fulfilled, and giving in to her demise, forever branded as the "Wicked Witch of the West". In the final encounter between these two friends Glinda sings, "I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return." I do believe this is very true. I know that there have been moments in my life when I felt like nothing I did made any difference and that no one would be affected by my decisions, whether I chose right or wrong, or even good and not so good. I have come to realize that this isn't so. 

I have been lost, stuck in a ditch on the side of a road I never thought I was choosing to travel. I have made some not so good decisions and some downright bad ones and all I can say is "I'm sorry". I have held on to grudges for far too long, mistreated some people who were only trying to help me, forgotten some of my best friends, and let myself become someone who I am not. I realize all this now and the reason I am telling this to all the people who may actually take the time to read it is because I would like to apologize. I am truly sorry for the way I have been. My hope is that with a little writer's therapy I can come to be the person I always was (with maybe a few slight improvements) and that I can go back to living life on the right side of the road :) 

I love my friends, those people who have been there for me in some of my darkest hours and pulled me out of some of the deepest holes. I am forever in your debt. Some of you may not even know the impact you have had on my life and some of you know full well. I hope that I have been an influence in yours as well. I will always be here for all of you. Whenever you need me, I am nothing but a phone call away. 

So there it is, a short but hopefully powerful statement. I am finding my way again and I will take it like any journey worth traveling, one step at a time. 

The Breakup

So, I’ve given a lot of advice so far on what to do to get yourself into a relationship. I mean, that is what dating advice is for right? But there is another side to dating. Some might say a darker side. Not every relationship we get into will lead to marriage (we don’t practice polygamy anymore) and so I felt like I needed to do a post on what to do after a relationship ends. Sad to say I’ve had more experience with this particular topic than I cared to, but they say learn from your mistakes and why not educate a few other people while I’m at it?

It’s tough to date. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot of fun too, but it’s also tough. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns that before you know it you’re a pretzel and your man (or woman) has left you to untie yourself. Breakups happen. I wish I could say that every relationship will end in wedded bliss but we’re trying to be realistic here remember? Everyone will have their fair share of failures before they actually find the person they’re meant to spend the rest of their lives with. I’ve talked about what to do when a relationship ends before it begins but when you’re in something more substantial it’s a little more complicated.

Breakups are never easy, so I’m not going to pretend that ending a relationship with someone will be something you can just get over. So many people will be telling you to move on, find someone else, and see the bright side of things. It will turn out to be a blessing in the end. Although this last one may be true, I am a strong believer in the need for a mourning period. Whether they were someone who was really good to you or the world’s biggest jerk, you have every right to mourn the loss. In fact I think it’s really healthy to do so. The people who don’t feel anything after a breakup are either lost or lying to themselves. It’s difficult to end a relationship with someone you’ve been intimately connected to for a significant period of time and I don’t want anyone feeling bad for feeling bad about it.

The trick is to not let the mourning period take over your life. Only you can judge how long you need to get over someone and the only person who can tell you when you should be feeling better is you. But don’t let the despair (or whatever you choose to feel, my response is usually a mixture of that and anger) cripple you so that it’s all you feel. There needs to be a time when you start to feel better, when you can get back to life as usual without thinking of the one you lost. I must admit I struggle with this concept after a breakup. Usually the only thing that can pull me out of my funk is to get into a new relationship. But I don’t recommend this practice because you never know how long you’re going to stay single and rebounds suck. You only need to be the rebound relationship once to know what that feels like and I would never knowingly inflict that on another person.

So, what do we do to help get over the one we lost? One of my foolproof way to help ease the hurt of a breakup; cut off all communication with the breakee. You may say, “but we still want to be friends” and that’s all well and good, but only AFTER you have an acceptable period of time to get over what this person just did to you. I have been there, trying to maintain a friendly relationship with someone who broke up with me and I can tell you, it is nearly impossible. You are still emotionally attached to that person whether you like it or not. And emotional attachment can cause some sticky situations when you’re no longer with someone you try and spend time with. Take my advice, a break up is called that for a reason. It means to break, to separate, and to put some distance between you two. I think it’s admirable to try and maintain a friendship with a former flame, but for your own sake, leave the “hanging out” with your ex alone until you no longer feel romantically inclined to the person.

We all have our own coping mechanisms and I can’t tell you your best way to deal with heartache. I do, however, want to point out some things I think it’s important not to do. Throughout all of my dating experience I have been through several breakups (of course, because I’m currently single and I have dated before) and every time I have found myself asking “why?” Why did it end? Were there problems I couldn’t see? Did I do something wrong? I have come to find that this is possibly the most pointless question I could think to ask. Another question we may choose to ask ourselves instead is, “does the why really matter?” We can ask ourselves why all we want, we can even go so far as to ask our former flame why (PLEASE DON’T!) but we will most likely never get an answer that is going to make us feel better about being alone. Do you really want to know why it didn’t work? Do you really want them to enumerate every flaw in your character that made them decide you weren’t the one? I don’t think you do.

Please, don’t waste time and energy trying to figure out why someone has left you. It isn’t going to help you feel any better or heal any faster. And chances are, there really wasn’t anything wrong with you. I’ve said it before, just because someone has decided they don’t want to be with you doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It just means that person isn’t the one you’re meant to be with. Because trust me, the person you’re meant to end up with will never make you feel like you’re not worth their time.

That is essentially what someone is telling you when they decide to end a relationship with you. When someone breaks up with you it means they no longer felt that the relationship was worth their time and dedication. And honestly, do you really want to waste your time worrying about how someone like that feels about you? I wouldn’t. A break up is hard, but it doesn’t have to be crippling. You can move on and be happy again, and sometimes the only thing it takes is time. And, as cliché as it may sound, you will find someone else. And this time they may just be the one who wont break your heart.

The Power pt. 2

Alright, two posts in one day, but I needed a follow up to my previous post, Power. My desire was to instill a sense of confidence and power in my fellow females, but I have been informed that I may have also encouraged a bit of selfishness and a desire to get one’s own way. This was not my intention so here I hope to prevent any misconceptions by presenting a more balanced view.

My goal throughout this blog, as I have stated before and as I am sure to state again, is to help the women of Rexburg feel better about themselves. I am hoping that so far I have done a pretty good job. What I don’t want is to motivate the women of Rexburg to be overly demanding of the men we associate with. I want us to have a sense of equality. We should always be equal partners with our significant others, and neither member of the relationship should demand more from their partner than what they put in. Compromise is one of the fundamental aspects of any good relationship.

So yes, you can say no to "The Roommate" but maybe next week you can accompany him to see "Green Hornet".

Ladies (and gentlemen), remember that there should be equality in all things. Ladies, we can know that we are powerful creatures, but we also need to be careful with that power and use it with diplomacy. Sometimes it’s also good to say yes. Be discerning. You’ll know when is the right time to say yes and when it’s okay to say no. Trust your instincts and your guy will trust you.

The Power

Ladies, we are a powerful gender. We are smart, beautiful, talented, spiritual, all rolled into one sweet, caring and loving package. But I fear that sometimes we do not appreciate our strength. We all have abilities that, I believe, have been relatively unexplored by many of the women here in Rexburg. I think the majority of us here do not realize the power that we as women possess. And one of the most awesome powers in our possession is the power to say no.

I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it, we have a right to be picky. We have a right to choose for ourselves someone who is going to add happiness to our lives. But when I’ve said this before I’m afraid too many women have overlooked the most important word: “choose”. We all have our agency, the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves. So why are there so many times when we forsake what we want in order to make someone else happy? This is where our power comes into effect. Sometimes ladies, you can say no.

Imagine this, if you will: You have been spending time with a wonderful young man for the last few weeks and have really been enjoying each other’s company. Your first few dates were awesome and they were all activities you both enjoyed doing. The next weekend rolls around and he asks you out again. You ask what the activity is going to be and he tells you he wants to take you to see “The Roommate”. Only one problem, you hate scary movies. So what do you do? How many of us would say, “Awesome! See you at 7”? Be honest, you would wouldn’t you. I think a lot of us would put up with 2 hours of nightmare inducing theater just to spend some time with a guy we liked.

What would happen if you said no? What would this charming, wonderful guy you’ve been dating for the last few weeks do if you told him you hated scary movies and suggested you see something else instead? Would he just immediately write you off as a loser and delete your number from his contacts? I don’t think so. In all honesty, he’d probably be okay with it. Most men are open to the idea of compromise if they really like the girl. And trust me, if he’s spent these last few weeks asking you out, spending time and money on you, chances are he likes you. So what are we so afraid of?

Herein lies the problem. We are neglecting our most awesome power because we are scared of saying no. We are scared that if we say no to “The Roommate” our guy will just move on to the next available girl who does like scary movies and we’ll be out a date for Friday night. I understand the fear, and I’m not saying it isn’t justified, but I can go back to what I’ve been saying all along, if he doesn’t make you happy then he isn’t worth your time. If a guy isn’t willing to change his plans because something makes you uncomfortable then he doesn’t respect you, and if he doesn’t respect you then he isn’t worth your energy.

These guys have it far too easy. Most men in Rexburg don’t have to work and make sacrifices to get a date every weekend. (Before all the men get up in arms, I am not referring to all of you. I know there are good guys in Rexburg and I appreciate you, whoever you are.) The girls here will hand them their numbers on a silver platter with a side of French fries and then we will patiently sit by the phone waiting for him to give up a moment in his busy schedule to give us a call. Shame on us. Where is the power? Where is the respect for ourselves? Where are our standards? For too long we have neglected the strengths we have because we have been too afraid of being alone. I don’t want us to be afraid anymore. I want us all to stand up and be proud of who we are as women in this day and age. We are something pretty special.

Be strong ladies. Stand up for yourselves. Let him know when something makes you unhappy. You have the power to make your life better. And don’t you think you deserve it?

The Loneliness

Again, I begin this post with a confession. I must confess that for a (self proclaimed) dating guru, I spend a lot of my weekends sitting home with nothing to do. I want you to know that I am being perfectly honest when I tell you that I feel the pain of every single Single girl in Rexburg. I am one of them. But I still think I give pretty decent dating advice, hence the blog. But this time I’m gonna share with you all some of the things I really enjoy about living life as a young single adult in Rexburg. And I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Being single can actually be a lot of fun if you do it right.

All of us will have times in our lives when we don’t have a significant other. For some of us those times may be long lasting, and for some we can’t go a week without someone blowing up our phone begging us to date them. For the former (because how many of us are really the latter?) I want to help you realize that a life lived single, for no matter what the length of time, can be just as much fun, if not more, than being with someone.

Whenever I’m lamenting my life lived as a young single adult the person I most likely end up lamenting to is my mom. My mom was a lot like other young women in the church in the fact that she married young and didn’t really get to experience a lot of life as a young single adult. But she is different in the fact that she is a divorcee. My mom had the opportunity not many young women have, of going back and reliving her single days. She was in her late 20’s when she was divorced and she has told me time and again that when she finally embraced life as a single woman the whole world opened up it’s opportunities to her. She got to spend time with her friends and date lots of interesting guys, and she didn’t let being in a relationship bother her like so many other women her age. My mom was happy being single and she has told me she wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I’ve already mentioned in this blog how I wish the Rexburg world would stop obsessing over whether or not someone is married or in a relationship. I even took my relationship status off of Facebook because I didn’t want the stress of staring at the “single” every time I opened my page. It was like a load had been lifted off my shoulders and now I don’t even worry about it. I like being single. I like living my life only having to worry about me. I have good friends, female and male. I get good grades (for the most part). I attend my church services and make every effort I can to fulfill my calling. I have a loving family who are supportive of their daughter and have never once asked me why I’m not married yet. And when I do get asked that question I don’t feel compelled to give excuses or apologize for my lack of commitment. I politely tell the asker that I will get married in the Lord’s time, and for the time being I am enjoying my life as a young single adult.

Now understand, I am not knocking marriage. I am a firm believer in the institution, both legally and religiously, of marriage. I know that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and in my own due time I will enter into that covenant. But I fully intend to have some fun in the meantime!

This is how our lives should be. At this point in our existence the world is an open playground. There are so many opportunities open to us that would be null and void if we weren’t single. I can pick up and drive to Utah for a weekend without asking anyone’s permission. In fact I don’t really even have to tell anyone (well, I would tell my roomies but they wouldn’t tell me I couldn’t go). I can go study cooking in Italy for a semester and the only thing I have to worry about is how I’m going to pay for it. I am free, and that is exactly how we should see it.

Being single is not a trial in life meant to tie you down and make you miserable. Being single is not something we just need to grin and bear until we finally get that ring on our finger. I believe that being young and single is a blessing and something that should be savored, not endured. We should be thanking our Father in Heaven for giving us this time in our lives to get to know ourselves and who we are before we give our lives to another for eternity. I intend to take full advantage of it.

So the next time someone asks, “Hey, why aren’t you married yet?” You can respond with, “I like being young and single and so far no ones offered anything better.”

The Unattainable

Sorry I’ve had such a long absence. I will do my best not to make a habit of it, but this post has been trying to write. It's been hard to write about this topic because I feel I have problems with it myself. But I am open to a new way of thinking, and I hope you will be to.

There are no perfect humans. It’s a sad but true fact. The only perfect being to have walked this earth was Christ and, as much as we may wish it could be so, none of us can actually date him.

Ladies, I hope that by now you are feeling a little more lifted up than usual from reading this blog. My goal has been to make you all feel like the queens and princess you really are and to help you demand the kind of respect you deserve from the men that you date. I think we should all have an expectation to be treated well and we deserve a man who is going to live up to our expectations, but I’m afraid of nurturing the other end of the spectrum. What happens when women expect too much?

One of my favorite sayings is “shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you’ll still land among the stars.” I believe in setting sometimes-unattainable goals. When I was a little girl I wanted to be the first woman president, or a dolphin trainer at SeaWorld, or a world famous pop star. The sky was the limit. But I also believe that there are some things in which seeking the unattainable is setting yourself up for misery. Dating is one of those things.

I worry that we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. I worry when we make these lists of the characteristics that we want in our “perfect” man (not referring to the list I asked you to make earlier ladies, that’s a good list). I worry that we are so focused on finding someone “perfect” that we overlook a lot of really wonderful guys. If you have the time, I’d love for you to read this note written by a friend of mine. I think it highlights very well what I’m trying to say, only from a guy’s point of view (disclaimer: this note contains some questionable language. If you’re easily offended then I recommend not reading it.) http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=31441371986

If you read the note you’ll see that there are so many guys out there who feel like they are getting the short end of the stick in their dating lives too. I would like to take a quote from the note I referenced earlier to perhaps shed some light on how some guys feel about what I call the Nice Guy Complex, “Many of them [women] claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.”

How many of you have ever experienced this particular scenario? Show of hands? Probably a lot of you. I know I have had my fair share of “nice guys”, those guys who you absolutely adore but you just can’t see things working out romantically. It’s true, sometimes there just isn’t a spark, I understand that completely. But I also believe there is a whole range of wonderful guys out there who may be getting overlooked. There are guys out there who may not, at first glance, appear “perfect” but if you can take the time to look past the surface and see many of these guys for what they really are you may come to find that perfection isn’t exactly what you thought it was.

What I want you to get out of this ladies is hopefully a new appreciation for the “nice guy” standing right in front of you, or sitting right across from you, or knocking on your door begging to be let in. I know that if we can open our minds to a new way of thinking we may just find ourselves unexplainably happy with the guy we never noticed before. I love this note, so I’m going to quote it one last time, “There are definitely many girls who grow out of [The Nice Guy] train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted.” Ladies, this should be us! Hopefully, someday it will be. And hopefully it’ll be someday soon.