Okay, I have a confession to make. Well, maybe more of a statement. For the longest time I believed that the majority of the dating problem here in Rexburg was a problem with the guys. I thought that if these guys would just shape up and start doing their jobs I would have a date every weekend like I should. I have now discovered that this is not necessarily the case. I’m not saying that the guys don’t have some shaping up to do, but I also don’t think the blame for our romantic issues can lie solely with the male population.
Ladies, I think sometimes these men are scared of us. I don’t mean horror movie scared, like we need to lay off the fake blood during our morning beauty routines, but I do think, sometimes, men are scared of what we represent. They don’t call us “BYU-I do” for nothing and how many of you can honestly tell me that you aren’t here hoping to meet that special someone to spend the rest of you life with. Now, before you turn off your computer in a blind rage and track me down to put popcorn in my doorframe, I know that the majority of us are ACTUALLY up here to get an education. For most of us, meeting a man is just a happy side effect of the BYU-I experience, but for some of us, we are on the prowl. Deny it if you will, but deep down you know I’m right.
This particular phenomenon is called “desperation” and it is responsible for 9 out of 10 break-ups in the dating world (disclaimer: no occurrences of math in this blog should ever be considered accurate, as I am taking my second shot at trying to pass the class). Sometimes I think we are so focused on finding that “one” that we go into every new relationship expecting a ring on our finger. From my personal experience, this is one of the most foolproof ways to scare off a guy we’re interested in. Now some of you may think, “sure, I want to get married, but I don’t make that overtly obvious to every man I date.” Trust me girls, men are a lot more observant than we give them credit for. He knows that the minute he walks through that door to take you on your first date you’re sizing him up to walk down the isle.
We all want to get married. Heck, I want to get married, but I have firmly and completely put that particular aspect in the Lord’s hand and told him, “Have at it!” I don’t want to worry about it anymore, and I think you shouldn’t either. For the majority of us, we will get married someday. For some of us, that is not our calling in this life, but stressing about it, scheming about it, and looking at every man who walks in the door like he could be “The One” isn’t going to get us any closer to that lofty goal. Have you ever heard that when you stop looking is when you finally find what you were looking for? It’s the same concept that works for thinking of something you forgot, you just have to stop thinking about it and it will come to you. It also works in dating. When you stop looking for someone to make all your dreams come true and actually start enjoying life as a young single adult is when that someone may just find you. There is nothing more attractive than a girl who doesn’t care, and that’s the truth.
Now, for all my guy readers out there (and I do hope you’re out there), this is where the misconception comes in for you. Don’t you go into every relationship thinking the girl just wants to drag you kicking and screaming to the temple. Yes, we may want to get married but most of us are smart enough to let a relationship take it’s natural course and not try to rush the process (it’s how it works ladies). Or you could be just like us, trying to slip a ring on that left hand as fast as humanly possible. But this is what I’m talking about. Follow the natural dating flow. The relationship will take it’s own course if you just sit back and let it. Now whether that natural process takes 2 months or 10, enjoy your dating experience and don’t automatically think that just because you enjoy each other’s company it means you’re meant to spend time and all eternity with her.
This goes for both sides of the gender spectrum, and this is what I’d really like for you to get out of this post. Take your time! Ease into things, be patient, and most of all, get to know each other before you make the commitment of eternity. Divorce rates are on the rise, even in temple marriages, I’m sad to say. I wish this wasn’t true. I wish I could say that we’ll all live happily ever after if we’re sealed together for time and all eternity in the house of the Lord, but this isn’t always the case. Don’t you want to take every precaution to ensure you get your happy ending? So be patient, let it happen how it will, and you can feel confident that when you finally meet the person your meant to be with, you’ve made the right choice.
Let's face it people, dating is hard. Putting two people in a room together and hoping they both spark isn't what it once was. But if you find yourself alone and longing for the good ole days when matchmakers chose that bride or groom to be for you, don't despair, I might be able to help. I'm no matchmaker but with a few tried and true suggestions coupled with a lot of personal experiences, together we may be able to save your sanity. And help you find yourself a special someone in the meantime.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The Stress
Here is the situation: A cute guy in your New Testament class (FHE group, choir class, Sunday School lesson, etc.) asks for your number and tells you he’d like to take you out this weekend (I know, it’s rare, but it actually does happen sometimes, promise). He calls and you arrange to go see a movie and to get some hot chocolate and a cupcake afterwards. It’s a great night and when you come home your roommates ask, “How’d it go?” So, what do you say?
What do you say? Be honest with yourselves, how many of you will start gushing at how wonderful it was and how you’re going to spend the rest of your lives together? Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but how many of you would expect something more to happen? I think I’m safe in assuming that it’s most of us. So what happens when it doesn’t? What do we do when we get nothing but a first date?
Okay a lot of questions, but hopefully a lot of thinking was spawned from those questions. When we have a really great first date with someone we usually expect that great first date to become a great second date, and then to move on to “dating” and hopefully from there we’d be getting into a relationship… so on and so forth. But sometimes things just stop. Sometimes you don’t get that great second date. So what do we do? This is such a hard question to answer, but I’ll do my best. What we should do is chalk it up to experience and move on, but I know it’s not that easy. Our first inclination is to start dissecting that great first date trying to find the one mistake, slip-up, or misspoken word that made him decide he didn’t like us. Okay, while you’re at it, why don’t you stick a needle in your eye and chew on some glass. This is self-sabotage in its worst form ladies, not to mention self-inflicted torture. In all honestly, the fact that he isn’t breaking down your door begging for a second date probably has nothing to do with you.
Sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes someone just isn’t our type, and it can be for so many reasons that trying to pinpoint one is like trying to see a shooting star at 2:00 in the afternoon. So ladies, I want this to be your new mantra (I warned you I’d be coming out with a few of these), “It’s not my fault. It has nothing to do with me.” The truth is, whether or not a guy asks you out is completely out of your control. Yes, you can look your best and put out your best flirtatious moves but the decision ultimately lies with the guy, and this is exactly how it should be! I’m sure you’ve all heard it before, but the guy is supposed to be the pursuer, he is supposed to chase YOU! Not the other way around.
Okay, so what does this all mean? Am I saying that we need to put on our prettiest dresses and our reddest lipstick and just sit around hoping someone will smell the waft of my perfume and come sweep me off my feet? Well, yes and no. I do think that we should put our best selves out there and let the guys do the choosing, but I don’t believe that we should be passive about it. Nothing says that you can’t go out looking and nothing says that you have to wait for the guy to come to you. Here’s an example that recently happened to a friend I think highlights my point:
My friend was at a dance this last week and started chatting it up with a really cute guy who she was very interested in. At the end of the dance she was surprised to see that he had added her on Facebook. She began talking to him over chat and he gave her his phone number and told her to text him sometime and they could hang out. My friend, very politely, told him that she couldn’t accept his number but that he could have hers and if he wanted to do something with her he could call her anytime.
This is a perfect example, and from this I make my point. We are beautiful, sweet, wonderful young women who are going to be very desirable to a number of attractive young men. We don’t need to freak out and stress every time one of the millions of the guys in this world decides we’re not the one for him. What I hope you’ll do instead is repeat your mantra: “It’s not my fault. It has nothing to do with me.” Take a deep breath and remind yourself that somewhere out there is the man of your dreams and he is looking for you just as hard as you are searching for him. And trust me, he will find you, you just have to be patient and let him track you down.
What do you say? Be honest with yourselves, how many of you will start gushing at how wonderful it was and how you’re going to spend the rest of your lives together? Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but how many of you would expect something more to happen? I think I’m safe in assuming that it’s most of us. So what happens when it doesn’t? What do we do when we get nothing but a first date?
Okay a lot of questions, but hopefully a lot of thinking was spawned from those questions. When we have a really great first date with someone we usually expect that great first date to become a great second date, and then to move on to “dating” and hopefully from there we’d be getting into a relationship… so on and so forth. But sometimes things just stop. Sometimes you don’t get that great second date. So what do we do? This is such a hard question to answer, but I’ll do my best. What we should do is chalk it up to experience and move on, but I know it’s not that easy. Our first inclination is to start dissecting that great first date trying to find the one mistake, slip-up, or misspoken word that made him decide he didn’t like us. Okay, while you’re at it, why don’t you stick a needle in your eye and chew on some glass. This is self-sabotage in its worst form ladies, not to mention self-inflicted torture. In all honestly, the fact that he isn’t breaking down your door begging for a second date probably has nothing to do with you.
Sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes someone just isn’t our type, and it can be for so many reasons that trying to pinpoint one is like trying to see a shooting star at 2:00 in the afternoon. So ladies, I want this to be your new mantra (I warned you I’d be coming out with a few of these), “It’s not my fault. It has nothing to do with me.” The truth is, whether or not a guy asks you out is completely out of your control. Yes, you can look your best and put out your best flirtatious moves but the decision ultimately lies with the guy, and this is exactly how it should be! I’m sure you’ve all heard it before, but the guy is supposed to be the pursuer, he is supposed to chase YOU! Not the other way around.
Okay, so what does this all mean? Am I saying that we need to put on our prettiest dresses and our reddest lipstick and just sit around hoping someone will smell the waft of my perfume and come sweep me off my feet? Well, yes and no. I do think that we should put our best selves out there and let the guys do the choosing, but I don’t believe that we should be passive about it. Nothing says that you can’t go out looking and nothing says that you have to wait for the guy to come to you. Here’s an example that recently happened to a friend I think highlights my point:
My friend was at a dance this last week and started chatting it up with a really cute guy who she was very interested in. At the end of the dance she was surprised to see that he had added her on Facebook. She began talking to him over chat and he gave her his phone number and told her to text him sometime and they could hang out. My friend, very politely, told him that she couldn’t accept his number but that he could have hers and if he wanted to do something with her he could call her anytime.
This is a perfect example, and from this I make my point. We are beautiful, sweet, wonderful young women who are going to be very desirable to a number of attractive young men. We don’t need to freak out and stress every time one of the millions of the guys in this world decides we’re not the one for him. What I hope you’ll do instead is repeat your mantra: “It’s not my fault. It has nothing to do with me.” Take a deep breath and remind yourself that somewhere out there is the man of your dreams and he is looking for you just as hard as you are searching for him. And trust me, he will find you, you just have to be patient and let him track you down.
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Issue
There is a dating issue facing the young, single, female population of Rexburg Idaho. I think we can all agree on that. But I don't think we can all agree on what exactly that issue is. Some of you may believe our problem is a lack of men. It’s true that we do have a 3-1 ratio of girls to guys, and yes that can be a problem. But I don’t believe it’s the only problem. Here I pose, for your consideration, what I believe plagues the local female population. In my opinion, we are all cursed with a lack of pickiness. Now, bear with me, some of you may be saying right now “I am picky, I’m so picky that I don’t think I’ll ever find a guy good enough for me!” Well, that’s not exactly what I’m talking about. Yes, we can be picky. We all want a good looking, return missionary, priesthood holder with a temple recommend, but that’s not the pickiness I’m referring too. I’m referring to being picky about the way our guys treat us.
How many of you have dated a guy who looked so perfect on paper it seemed as if you were made for each other, only to find that once you actually spent time interacting with one another he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be? I know I have. Talk about a rude awakening. My fear is that sometimes we are so worried about those few little details that we believe make a man a “good one” that we overlook some of the key characteristics that really define his character. Yes, it is good to date the RM, yes we all want a man who is worthy to take us to the temple, but the black nametag does not a good man make. What really matters, ladies, is the way a man makes you feel when you’re in his presence. In this matter, I believe we have not yet begun to be picky.
Here is the part of the blog where I give you homework. I know, I know, you’re busy enough as it is, but if you can take a few moments out of your insanely busy day I want you to make a list for me. I want you to list all the characteristics you need in a man. Not the ones you want (I want someone who’s 6’ 2” with green eyes and a great smile) no, but the ones you need, like I need a man who will respect me, understand me, be honest with me, etc. (You can make the list of wants too but the needs is what we’re going to be focusing on). This is the list that you will compare every potential suitor too from now on, so keep good track of it, and add to it when you find someone who possesses a characteristic you didn’t already have. If a guy comes a-calling and he doesn’t fit the specifications of your list then you, my dear girl, have every right to kick him to the curb and I hope you do just that. No one who is not giving you what you need should ever make the cut even to dating, let alone boyfriend, so please don’t let it get that far. At the first sign that he’s not going to be everything you need I want you to run, not walk, but run, away.
The key here is to find someone who makes you happy, because if you’re not happy then you’re not doing it right. So take a good look at what you need and then take a good look at what you’ve been settling for and tell me whether or not they add up. I have a feeling that in most of your cases, they don’t. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we willing to settle down with a guy who doesn’t give us what we need? I believe it’s because, for the most part, we think it’s the best we’re going to get. This is not true! Who cares if you’ve been single for 3 years, who cares if there’s a 3-1 ratio, who cares if you’re 24 and haven’t found someone to spend the rest of your life with? If he’s not making you happy, if he doesn’t give you what you need, then he’s not worth your time. Period. Our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. Imagine what he would say to you if you told him you kept dating the guy who forgot your birthday and lied to you about where he was last night because you thought you wouldn’t find anyone better. Keep that in mind next time you start making excuses for why he doesn’t treat you right.
I know it’s hard. I know we all reach a point where we want to throw our hands in the air and shout “IGIVE UP!” because we don’t think it’s worth it anymore, but trust me, it is. There will be someone who will treat you like the queen you are and he will make you look back on all those other sub-standard guys and go “what was I thinking staying with that guy?” Mr. Right will come, you just have to have faith. And it will be so much easier for Mr. Right to snag you if you don’t have Mr. Wrong hanging on your arm. So be picky ladies. Hold your guys to a higher standard and you may find that they actually start living up to that standard. And if they don’t, well, you know what to do.
How many of you have dated a guy who looked so perfect on paper it seemed as if you were made for each other, only to find that once you actually spent time interacting with one another he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be? I know I have. Talk about a rude awakening. My fear is that sometimes we are so worried about those few little details that we believe make a man a “good one” that we overlook some of the key characteristics that really define his character. Yes, it is good to date the RM, yes we all want a man who is worthy to take us to the temple, but the black nametag does not a good man make. What really matters, ladies, is the way a man makes you feel when you’re in his presence. In this matter, I believe we have not yet begun to be picky.
Here is the part of the blog where I give you homework. I know, I know, you’re busy enough as it is, but if you can take a few moments out of your insanely busy day I want you to make a list for me. I want you to list all the characteristics you need in a man. Not the ones you want (I want someone who’s 6’ 2” with green eyes and a great smile) no, but the ones you need, like I need a man who will respect me, understand me, be honest with me, etc. (You can make the list of wants too but the needs is what we’re going to be focusing on). This is the list that you will compare every potential suitor too from now on, so keep good track of it, and add to it when you find someone who possesses a characteristic you didn’t already have. If a guy comes a-calling and he doesn’t fit the specifications of your list then you, my dear girl, have every right to kick him to the curb and I hope you do just that. No one who is not giving you what you need should ever make the cut even to dating, let alone boyfriend, so please don’t let it get that far. At the first sign that he’s not going to be everything you need I want you to run, not walk, but run, away.
The key here is to find someone who makes you happy, because if you’re not happy then you’re not doing it right. So take a good look at what you need and then take a good look at what you’ve been settling for and tell me whether or not they add up. I have a feeling that in most of your cases, they don’t. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we willing to settle down with a guy who doesn’t give us what we need? I believe it’s because, for the most part, we think it’s the best we’re going to get. This is not true! Who cares if you’ve been single for 3 years, who cares if there’s a 3-1 ratio, who cares if you’re 24 and haven’t found someone to spend the rest of your life with? If he’s not making you happy, if he doesn’t give you what you need, then he’s not worth your time. Period. Our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. Imagine what he would say to you if you told him you kept dating the guy who forgot your birthday and lied to you about where he was last night because you thought you wouldn’t find anyone better. Keep that in mind next time you start making excuses for why he doesn’t treat you right.
I know it’s hard. I know we all reach a point where we want to throw our hands in the air and shout “IGIVE UP!” because we don’t think it’s worth it anymore, but trust me, it is. There will be someone who will treat you like the queen you are and he will make you look back on all those other sub-standard guys and go “what was I thinking staying with that guy?” Mr. Right will come, you just have to have faith. And it will be so much easier for Mr. Right to snag you if you don’t have Mr. Wrong hanging on your arm. So be picky ladies. Hold your guys to a higher standard and you may find that they actually start living up to that standard. And if they don’t, well, you know what to do.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Beginning
To the women of Rexburg Idaho, this is for you. Well, I guess I should be a little more specific. This is for those women in Rexburg who are single and frustrated about it. My hopes for this blog are first: to provide a few tips and tricks I have picked up over the years from both trusted sources and personal experience that should help make dating a little easier and, hopefully, more fun up here in the frozen north, and second: I would love to be able to help raise the general self-esteem and the self-image of each woman (or man, you are welcome to read too) who reads this blog. This will be achieved through a generous helping of compliments from me and mantras for you so you can come to realize what a stunning and wonderful creature you really are. Both of these aims are designed to help the women of Rexburg sort through the seemingly never ending sea of unworthy men in order to find that one "diamond in the rough" who is going to treat you, you marvelous being you, exactly the way a true daughter of God more precious than rubies is meant to be treated.
It’s true ladies, and I know it may sound cliché, but you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince charming (I promise I will do my best to stay away from all the clichés our mothers used to tell us to make us feel better, but that one just fit too well). The key though, is to kiss the frogs, realize they are frogs and be able to move on to your next potential prince. But too many girls, I fear, are kissing these frogs and they find themselves so happy to actually be having some lip-lock time with a member of the opposite sex that they decide this frog could be “the one” and spend the next few weeks (or longer!) wasting precious time, energy, and effort on someone who is never going to be anything more than a frog. Ladies, please, never sell yourselves this short! The mentality that any guy who has a pretty face, an active pair of lips, hands, feet, or any combination of the above is worthy of all the undying devotion and dedication you have to offer is a mentality that needs to be adjusted.
I know how it feels, that beginning of attraction when everything seems fresh and wonderful, when you think your significant other can do no wrong, he is nothing but perfection in your eyes. We’ve all been there, when life has never felt so good. But then, something changes, he’s not the same as when you first started dating. Maybe he’s stopped coming by with as much frequency, or maybe the compliments have become less complimenting. But you remember, he used to be so good, he used to be perfect. But perfection or not, for some reason, now he’s not treating you like the princess you really are anymore. Now you’re frustrated and you don’t know what to do. He still drops by every once in a while, and he tells me my outfit looks good sometimes, and he’s really very cute, and (here’s the kicker, the thing 99% of girls tell themselves to talk themselves in to staying in a crappy relationship) how am I going to find anyone else?
Well, ladies, I am here to tell you, you gorgeous creature you, that any man who does not treat you like the princess you were born to be is never going to be the man who will make you happy for the rest of eternity. I mean, isn’t that what we’re all striving for? Eternal happiness? I offer this scenario for your contemplation: Mr. “perfect for the first day and a half” decides to stick around for the next few weeks of your life. He’s sitting on your couch, eating the food that you made him and watching the only action movie he could find among your vast collection of chick-flicks, and you are looking at him with a newfound sense of self-awareness. Is this really the man I can see raising my children, is this the man I can see building worlds by my side, is this really what I want for the rest of forever, someone who comes around occasionally and treats me well some of the time? I honestly hope your answer is no. Otherwise, we have a lot of work to do.
Stick with me girls, and maybe together we can find the man we’ve been waiting for since we first laid eyes on that big white building up the hill. If you’ll read with an open mind, I will try to write the things that will speak to who you really are and what you really want out of your dating experience. If we both do things right this may just turn out to be exactly what you really needed.
It’s true ladies, and I know it may sound cliché, but you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince charming (I promise I will do my best to stay away from all the clichés our mothers used to tell us to make us feel better, but that one just fit too well). The key though, is to kiss the frogs, realize they are frogs and be able to move on to your next potential prince. But too many girls, I fear, are kissing these frogs and they find themselves so happy to actually be having some lip-lock time with a member of the opposite sex that they decide this frog could be “the one” and spend the next few weeks (or longer!) wasting precious time, energy, and effort on someone who is never going to be anything more than a frog. Ladies, please, never sell yourselves this short! The mentality that any guy who has a pretty face, an active pair of lips, hands, feet, or any combination of the above is worthy of all the undying devotion and dedication you have to offer is a mentality that needs to be adjusted.
I know how it feels, that beginning of attraction when everything seems fresh and wonderful, when you think your significant other can do no wrong, he is nothing but perfection in your eyes. We’ve all been there, when life has never felt so good. But then, something changes, he’s not the same as when you first started dating. Maybe he’s stopped coming by with as much frequency, or maybe the compliments have become less complimenting. But you remember, he used to be so good, he used to be perfect. But perfection or not, for some reason, now he’s not treating you like the princess you really are anymore. Now you’re frustrated and you don’t know what to do. He still drops by every once in a while, and he tells me my outfit looks good sometimes, and he’s really very cute, and (here’s the kicker, the thing 99% of girls tell themselves to talk themselves in to staying in a crappy relationship) how am I going to find anyone else?
Well, ladies, I am here to tell you, you gorgeous creature you, that any man who does not treat you like the princess you were born to be is never going to be the man who will make you happy for the rest of eternity. I mean, isn’t that what we’re all striving for? Eternal happiness? I offer this scenario for your contemplation: Mr. “perfect for the first day and a half” decides to stick around for the next few weeks of your life. He’s sitting on your couch, eating the food that you made him and watching the only action movie he could find among your vast collection of chick-flicks, and you are looking at him with a newfound sense of self-awareness. Is this really the man I can see raising my children, is this the man I can see building worlds by my side, is this really what I want for the rest of forever, someone who comes around occasionally and treats me well some of the time? I honestly hope your answer is no. Otherwise, we have a lot of work to do.
Stick with me girls, and maybe together we can find the man we’ve been waiting for since we first laid eyes on that big white building up the hill. If you’ll read with an open mind, I will try to write the things that will speak to who you really are and what you really want out of your dating experience. If we both do things right this may just turn out to be exactly what you really needed.